How can we have Faith.?!
It’s been awhile since I posted anything up here but I am having a hard time dealing with the lost of my bridgee. Talking to people may help for a few moments but then I feel all alone again. I really don’t know how to feel. Sometimes I’m so tired of crying that I physically cannot drop a tear. But just when I think they’re all gone, they come rushing back and I find myself crying in the most odd, awkward, inconvenient places. Faith’s life, Faith’s smile, Faith’s personality…they all make me want to be a happier person. She like anybody else, went/was going through things…going through life. But she always managed to smile and always wanted to help someone else feel better even when you could tell she wasn’t feeling all that great herself. I can never understand how she could be so sweet all the time. I find myself trying to force a smile now…not to hide the pain, but to make someone else feel better. Like Faith did. And I try to remember all the good things about her, and the fun we had together…especially in the bridge house and during our first year. But I can’t think about all of these positive things without facing the harsh reality that someone did this to her. Someone took her life. I could deal with her death better if she was in a car accident or went to sleep and just didn’t wake up. But this tragedy was at the hands of another human being…and I use that term loosely. Who could take such a beautiful soul? Did they know her? Because to know Faith is to love her and she always wanted the best for everyone. If they didn’t know her, I just wish they would’ve taken the time to get to know here because they could have never did what they did. And then I think about her last moments…I think this is what gets to me the most. She didn’t deserve to die at all but did she die quickly? Or did she suffer? What were her last moments like? Did she know she was going to die? I can’t look at pictures without imagining what she looked like when they found her. I’m sure not smiling. But her smile was enough to brighten anyone’s day…somebody took that away from her, away from all of us. And for what reason? Did they have intentions of killing her? or was it an accident that the regretted later? Or were they so angry that they just lost all control of what they intended to do? And who was it? Where are they now? I stood there at her vigil and saw so many people mourning her death but where was the person responsible for it? Do I know them? How do they feel right now? Are they sorry? Or do they feel accomplished? Or do they just not care?! I guess one good thing is, it’s over…Faith will never have to suffer again. I know where her soul rests and for that I am able to find a teeny tiny amount of peace. But she touched so many lives…did her killer think about all the other people her death would effect? Her family, her tribe, her friends, anybody that had the chance to know her. One of my friends said she’s never coming back to school. Another one is thinking about taking the semester off. And others are finding it so hard to function. And I worry about myself too. My emotions are effecting baby AJ. It’s not fair to him, it’s not fair to anyone. Talking to people, I always try to make them see the bright side of this situation…try to assure them that it’ll get better. But will it? How can it? After finding out what happened to her, will we be at peace? Or even more disturbed? I have so many questions but I am honestly afraid of the answers. I don’t know what’s next. This is the hardest death I have ever dealt with. Faith had so much left to accomplish in life…sooo much. I feel bad for thinking this but I think of all the bad people I know. Even on our campus that are mean and rude and I wonder why not them instead of her. No one deserves this and I don’t wish death on anyone but Faith especially didn’t. I just don’t know how to deal. It’s so hard to pay attention in class or get any work done with this on my brain. I can only imagine how the people closer to her felt. This story is like a story you follow on the news. And even then, you feel sad and your heart goes out to the family & friends but your life keeps moving. Never did I ever think I’d be on the other side. Faith was my “girlfriend” and I will never forget her…ever. I just don’t understand how such good people and such evil people can live in the same world. I have to look to God in times like this but it’s hard…idk if anyone will read this and I don’t care but hopefully writing it all out will help me deal with it. I doubt it but what other options do I have at this point?